My Silent Collapse

Waking up with a strange numbness in my chest, a heaviness like an unfamiliar boulder pressed between my ribs. For the first time, I felt something indescribable.

The sun, once bright, looks dull.

The moon, once calm, rumbles in fury.

Heaven, never in slumber, is now asleep.

My coffee, once warm like a hug, is now cold as ice.

My eyes, ever dreamy and soulful, become deserted.

My voice, empowered and moving, fades away to apathy.

My mind, intricate and wild, turned into a void.

When I break, it’s typically a dramatic explosion, an emotional meltdown. It’s loud and outwardly destructive; piercingly obscene. This time, it’s different. I watch myself bleed in emotional and mental anguish. I bleed and bleed some more. No tears. No sobbing. The pretending gets too heavy. It’s massive! Then the mask slips. It breaks; it bursts. But this time, it’s hollow, quiet; horribly silent. There’s an ache, but it feels numb. It sits behind my eyes and adapts into my bones.

My soul whispers, “No more! I can no longer carry this.”

It’s impossible to ignore it, for everything inside me ruptures. I can see the cracks, but this time, I can’t hear the sound. I can feel the pain, but this time, I can’t vent it out. This silence strips my soul, breaking it into tiny pieces. But it does invisibly, and then it bursts into nothingness. Lifeless. Stoic. It’s empty.

In these moments of void, I wonder if such jarring silence, this pervasive stillness, is just mine to bear. Or perhaps, this is a universal reality of shattered resilience. Is this how it feels? This is my breaking point, a pain only I can hear. This numb ache, a silent collapse of holding it all together.

The Silent Weight I Carried

One day, I was in a cafe, sitting alone, having my usual coffee. Suddenly, I felt the burdens I carried were almost suffocating. The whispering sounds in the cafe became too loud for me. Then came the sound of stillness. The buzzing of conversations suddenly faded into the background. I then sipped my already cold coffee, realizing it mirrored the emotions settling in my chest.

I started to wonder what triggered the shift in my emotional state. Perhaps it has gradually built up over the years, one pile on top of another. Could it have been the dismissed expectations, the boundaries that were repeatedly violated, or my own delayed grief that I never got to express? Could it also have been me, carrying the weight of duty and legacy, keeping me bound on this shattered place? Or maybe my lack of awareness of something that is malignantly broken, toxic, and unstable, which I keep fixing and saving, not realizing the profound impact it has on me and my life.

The wounds and bruises that no one got to see.

The profanity of the tirade and insults that no one got to hear.

The hidden graves and caskets that remained unknown.

The sharp cut of a dagger that never got to heal.

It could have been everything all at once.

Perhaps this silent collapse is my invitation for introspection, urging me to delve deeper to finally process what lies beneath.

When Carrying It All Becomes Too Much

Each day becomes heavier. Another pile is added on top of the other. Another one and another one. My strength expanded as the burdens increased. However, little did I know that the weight of these burdens turned into something that completely numbed me.

In my moments of reflection, I realized that the silent weight I carried is waiting to be acknowledged. The vulnerability I suppressed over time is ready to be empowered. Finally, this time.

And then something happened. Something stirred within me. Somewhere in this immense nothingness, a quiet resolve trembles. A flicker of resilience appears beyond the desolation.

‘Enough!”, my soul whispers again. This time, it’s louder. It does not speak of negotiation but of absolute wisdom.

“These burdens are not mine to carry.

These fragments are not mine to fix.

These scars and storms are not my retribution.

My boundaries are my gatekeepers.

Light is what I bring.

Not redemption.”

Once again, “Enough!”, my soul declares. Louder, it declares its sovereignty.

But this time, louder in stillness. This pervasive silence becomes the embodiment of my soul’s sovereignty.

Final Thoughts

Perhaps, this is what it feels like when one silently collapses. It isn’t a theatrical performance. It arrives unannounced. It happens without an audience. This silent collapse sits in stillness in a void of emotions and thoughts. It’s unforeseen but disturbingly hollow. It shakes you up horribly and forces you to choose a point of no return. I shall sit with it for as long as I can, for this silent collapse is a space between breakings and breakthroughs.

This I learned: I need to collapse to birth the one I will never have to abandon again. — my true Self.

| Featured in The Good Men Project |

| Published in Change Becomes You | Follow me on MEDIUM. |

| Image by Resat Kuleli on Unsplash |

"I can see the cracks, but this time, I can’t hear the sound. I can feel the pain, but this time, I can’t vent it out. This is my breaking point, a pain only I can hear."

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